Your Sexual Stress Response

With Covid-19 scaring the begeezus out of all of us, stress has an even greater impact on us these days. As if we didn’t already have job-related stress, financial stress, relationship drama, or health-related stress, now we have a fast-spreading virus to worry about. If you have been able to effectively “Quarantine and Chill” at home– good for you. 

Read this article to help you learn more about what a sexual stress response is and how to get into that sexy space regardless of your sexual stress response. 

Grab your “quarantini” and read on!

How stress impacts our sex life

There are many different ways stress can affect your sex life. Sometimes when you are stressed you can wave “bye, bye” to your libido.

For some, engaging in sexual activity can even contribute to more stress. For example, if you have past trauma or are having relationship issues, the subject of sex just might bring on more stress, which in turn can foster less sex and create a vicious circle.

In others, sex can actually help alleviate stress, boosting the hormones oxytocin and other endorphins.

What is a “sexual stress response”?

A “sexual stress response” is how a particular person handles sex in times of stress. Different people respond to stress differently. A heightened sense of stress could cause a cascade of hormones and emotional reactions that cause you to actually want more sex, not less. When you are stressed, you release the hormone cortisol, which can lower your libido. As one clinical psychologist said, “During times of stress, we need to survive, not procreate.” And sometimes we can use sex to avoid stress in our lives. 

The question is:  Are you a “stress fucker” or stress sex “avoider”?

The stress fucker is someone who tends to use sex as an avoidance mechanism. Boss being demanding? Text your fwb for a hookup. Worried that your ex is already moving on? Bang your husband even harder. That kind of thing. 

The stress sex avoider is someone who doesn’t like to have sex when they are stressed. Their inhibitions are high, and they pump the breaks to protect themselves.

The sexual stress response can also track the “dual control method,” which help explain what excites people sexually and what inhibits them. As the Kinsey Institute stated:

Prior studies have found that while sexual inhibition plays an important protective role in reducing sexual responses in the face of threat or danger, individuals who have high levels of inhibition might be more vulnerable to developing sexual problems, and those with low levels of sexual inhibition may be more likely to engage in sexual behaviors that put themselves or others at risk.

In other words, there is believed to be a scale by which some people put on the brakes and some people hit the gas when it comes to sexual behavior.

Stress can affect each person differently, depending on where they are on the scale.

How to beat the stress response

There are many ways to get through stress, even through the Covid-19 quarantine and social distancing. 

Here are some key ways to beat stress in general:

• Awareness: Check in with your body to notice when you are stressed or tense. Check in with your breathing and allow your emotions to flow through you.

• Play: Play is activity without a serious purpose. Creating a space for play and allowing yourself the freedom to play is one of the best things you can do to shake off stress.

• Nutrition: Eating a nutritious diet is important to reduce your stress. Certain foods can help your gut-brain axis, which in turn allows your brain to calm down and handle stress better and reduces anxiety.

• Stress management: There are things you can do to help lower your stress, such as eliminating stressful people in your life, starting a gratitude and meditation practice, cultivating strong social bonds (even while social distancing you can still use FaceTime) and exercising.

Regardless of your stress level, you can find ways to feel sexual if you so choose. You can also find what is called an accelerator or excitation- things to help get you in the mood. These can include watching porn, engaging with your partner in sexual foreplay, and masturbating, maybe using a toy or vibrator. If you would like some high-quality porn (especially if you are going to watch it with your mate), I recommend you check out For Play Films. Their roster of films are hot and steamy and have something for just about everyone. If you feel you can’t or don’t feel sexy, you can always aim for feeling sensual, put some lingerie on, touch yourself, engage in sensual play with yourself or a partner, such as a massage with special oil. If anything, these activities can reduce your stress without having sex if you are not feeling it.

I know it is difficult, but don’t let the current Coronavirus media updates get you down. You can look at this time at home as a major plus, for your relationship and your sex life. Pay attention to your stress response and use that awareness to actually enjoy the sex you can have right now, Coronavirus be damned!

Just Touch Your Clit Already

The clitoris has been the focus of sexual attention for years. But only relatively recently did scientists discover the actual size of the clit (many times larger than originally thought). It is one of the most sensitive body parts, having around 8,000 nerve endings (twice as much as a penis) and affecting another 15,000 in the pelvic region! All the more reason to touch it!

Before we get into some tips on how you should touch your clit, let’s get the lay of the land, shall we? Here is a great image of what the clit actually looks like:

As you can see, the clit isn’t just located where the “glans clitoris” begins to protrude out above the urethra. That is just the “tip of the iceberg” with the majority (about 3/4ths) of the clit residing inside the body. 

So, armed with a little more knowledge about biology and geography, let’s get into the power of clit stimulation!

Solo clit stimulation

Taking your pleasure into your own hands is the name of the game here. Using your fingertips to feel around your clit is an important first step to explore how sensitive your own clit is (fun fact: not all clits are the same!). Since around “50 to 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm,” this little body part packs a big punch in terms of your sex life.

The first thing you should know, even if you are by yourself masturbating, is….Lube is your clit’s best friend. If you have been rubbing your clit without using lube, then you have been missing out! If you are by yourself and using glass or crystal (for example) dildos or toys, or don’t have to worry about condoms or silicone toys, using a blend of oils (or this love oil from Woo More Play) can be a wonderful way to self-lubricate. If you are doing some solo stimulating without toys, it is best to use water-based lube. You can even try an enhanced lube.

Really get to know your clit, try different pacing of strokes, different intensity of pressure and take note of how each different stroke feels. 

You can also use toys to stimulate your clit. One in particular has a powerful way of acting upon your clit, the Womanizer.  Its clitoral vibrator is equipped with “Pleasure Air Technology” which “encloses your clitoris without touching it whilst stimulating it via soft pressure waves.” It also prevents overstimulation and “habituation” (meaning when your body gets used to the feeling), so you can come as often as you want!

Tips for partnered clit stimulation 

If you are wanting some tips on partnered sex and clit stimulation, I highly recommend that you don’t skip the solo tips above – you really should get to know your clit first before doing partnered clit stim. Orgasm coach and founder of Owning Your O, Wendy Perkins recommends the following tips for when your partner is doing the stimulation:

If you haven't already done mutual masturbation to see the preferred technique, a good technique that works for many clit owners is to use two fingers, first and middle fingers. Have one finger pad on each side of the clitoris/clitoral hood so the nub is between the fingers. Then move fingers in a small, counter clockwise pattern. This will cover more surface area without over stimulating a highly sensitive clitoris and allows for a consistent rhythm for the brain to recognize a pattern. If the clit owner tilts their pelvis into the partner’s hand, then they are looking for more pressure, if they tilt away then lighten up the pressure. 

Wendy also reiterates the use of lube – “not only will it help the fingers to glide easier around the clit, but it also heightens the sensation because the lube covers more surface area activating more of the sensory nerves on the vulva.”

Clit-friendly positions

There are many ways you can stimulate your clit during partnered sex. Basically, anytime one body part has a chance to rub on the clit is a good position.

On top. The clitoral owner can ride on top of their partner so they can grind their clit against their partner’s body.

Doggy style. Doggy style can provide a great opportunity for clit stim because of the ability to reach back to your clit and/or your partner to reach down and around to stimulate it.

Missionary. One of the most overlooked clit-friendly positions is missionary. One partner can angle their trajectory so that upon thrusting, their pelvic region can brush upwards, rubbing the clit while penetrating (with either penis, dildo, finger, whatever is being used for penetration). To get the most bang for your buck (lol) out of your partner stimulating your clit, try this variation from Wendy Perkins,: place clit-owner on her back, leg up on the partner’s shoulder (so, for example, right female leg up on male’s left shoulder). In this position the partner’s right hand is available to stimulate the clit. The leg up also provides leverage for the base of the penis (or strap-on) to be giving pressure to the legs of the clitoris via the vulva (see diagram above). Missionary is also great for non-penetrative clit stim, just rubbing bodies together in that position can get some clit traction.

Reverse cowgirl. Another clit-friendly position, reverse cowgirl can be better for concentrated clit-stimulation rather than front-facing riding, in part because the clit-owner doesn't think as much about what they look like and they don't have to read the face of their partner, which can sometimes get them in their head.

Now that you have some top clit tips, feel free to go “rub one out”! And enjoy!

Fetish Highlight: Sexy Cosplay

I recently had the opportunity to go to the comic festival Dragoncon in Atlanta. It was so fun! I dressed up, had a great time, and met really nice, fun, creative people. Cosplay (short for “costume play”) isn’t really my usual jam, but dressing in a costume and seeing other adults in fictional character costumes was a treat, primarily because I am a big proponent of play in general and of bringing more play in the bedroom.

It is important to know the difference between cosplay and roleplay, and also be aware of some perceptions of cosplay that are incorrect. “[T]he difference between roleplay and cosplay is that roleplay is the practice of roleplaying while cosplay is…the art or practice of costuming oneself as a (usually fictional) character.” That being said, with regards to the fetish of cosplay, it bears noting that cosplay itself is not defined as anything sexual. As one writer put her frustrations over being fetishized for simply engaging in cosplay:

In the overall, NO ONE has agency over someone else’s sexuality or their bodies. No matter what that person is doing, you have no right to assume or put your feelings onto them. If someone is doing a sexy version of a character, whether it’s canon or not, that doesn’t automatically or magically mean they’re down to get kinky or if they are, doesn’t mean they’re down to get kinky with you!

It is for this very reason that the title of this article describes the fetish of cosplay as “sexy” cosplay. Cosplay in general is not necessarily sexual. Cosplay as a fetish can generally be defined as the art or practice of costuming oneself for the purposes of sexual play and gratification. 

An example of cosplay as a fetish would be a person who gets off on dressing up as an animal (such as an anime dog character, Akamaru) and acting as one. In this case, both the role play (acting like Akamaru by barking, licking, panting, etc) and the cosplay (dressing in costume as a dog who looks like Akamaru) are combined for the experience. Not all cosplay involves role play, though. Someone might simply get off by wearing the costume itself without actually acting out the role. Typically, however, cosplay involves taking on the role of a specific fictional character from comics, film, tv, or video games. 

It is a fine line between cosplay in general and a fetish. It depends on the mind of the cosplayer: if they occasionally dress up in say, latex, or as a character to go out with friends, that might not be considered a fetish. However, if, with the specific intention to satisfy their own sexual needs, they regularly dress up like a cartoon character, that comes closer to a fetish.

Becoming a cosplayer “in the sack” can be pricey, as costumes don’t come cheap and cosplay “is an expensive hobby.” Although you can buy your costume, you can also make it yourself. You should make sure you consider safety concerns, such as constriction of body parts, weapons, dangerous accessories like flammable 

Benefits of sexy cosplay 

Cosplay offers a chance to use your imagination. The fetish affords participants a chance to scratch their sexual role play itch to the max. For one thing, “cosplay has a lot to offer those who are interested in experimenting with their sexual identity” including taking on an age, race or gender other than their own. Maybe you are usually shy in the bedroom, but you feel like you identify with the powerful and regal Khaleesi from Game of Thrones. Cosplay offers a chance to really express your fandom of characters who you might like to emulate.

Your character is key to your sexy scenario

Since there are many different fictional characters to choose from, there are limitless possibilities for cosplay outfits as well as sexual scenarios to enact.

For example, heroines and villains are a great way to use teasing, chasing “cat and mouse” games, as well as bondage. 

You can create scenarios based off of your characters and the best part is that you already have a storyline written by the film writer, novelist, comic author, etc.

How to get started

To get an idea about cosplay in general, check out this introduction.

Of course, before you show up in a Superman costume, make sure you talk to your partner about their interest level. Masks, leather, latex, and other “costumey” things may be a good warm-up into the world of cosplay. Later you can build those favorite accessories and items together in a favorite character.

If you are interested in bringing cosplay into the bedroom, you might want to try going to a comic-con. You can dip your toe in that world by watching the different cosplayers and seeing the possibilities and see if you are drawn to it. Check out different Pinterest boards for costume ideas. You may also want to consider combining cosplay with date night and use this subscription box to keep the sexy times flowing. If one partner wants to participate but doesn’t want to dress up (either because it isn’t their fetish or because the scenario requires the other party to not be costumed), you can offer some lovely lingerie instead of a costume.

If your interest in cosplay reaches the level of a fetish, then you will likely want to delve deeper into this type of play, but make sure you have the fully informed consent of your partner. Remember to take safety precautions depending on the level of risk inherent in the play scenario (ie, don’t leave someone tied up without supervision, or use sharp metal accessories, etc). And, depending on the intensity of the role play, you should consider agreeing on a safe word ahead of time in case someone gets too wrapped up in their role. (A safe word like “red” is one in which stops play.)

Who knows…maybe it’s time to dress to thrill and let your inner comic geek come out to play

“BDSM” My Valentine: How To Set Up A BDSM Scene For Valentine’s Day

Back when we had another sequel to the 50 Shades trilogy to look forward to (2019 was the first year in four years we didn’t have a 50 Shades Movie to go see on Valentine’s day- yipes!), some of us could at least fantasize about doing some of the steamy things Christian and Anastasia were doing. This year, if you want to spice up your sex life on Valentine’s day with some BDSM, you’re going to have to DIY and without the big box office fantasy. (This is a good thing, as the movies were problematic anyway as far as proper and ethical BDSM behavior is concerned.)

Lucky for you, this article is comin’ in hot! And just in time for the big V day. If you haven’t yet planned and executed a BDSM “scene,” Valentine’s day is the perfect time to do it!

So, let’s get you strapped in, tied down, and focused on the following steps and tips to set up a hot and fun BDSM scene for your Valentine this year.

Definitions and basic principles
First, let’s define what a “scene” is. I like to call them “sessions,” but in BDSM parlance, typically a “scene” is a time when all the BDSM action is taking place. A “scene” can take place anywhere – private living room, bedroom, or even in public at a dungeon or sex party.

Take a look at this article for some basic principles of BDSM communication. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadomasochism, so there are a lot of activities that can fall within those descriptions. For example, you could have spanking session with just a “top” tying up and spanking a “bottom” that could fall under bondage and S/M. Or, you could do a full blown scene with impact play, sex acts and a dom/sub dynamic (“dom”= dominant, “sub”=submissive). This article will presume the scene will be for a dom/sub dynamic.

Consent

A core tenet of BDSM is “Safe, Sane and Consensual,” which means you must be responsible, in a good mental and emotional space, and make sure you have clear, informed and continuing consent for everything you do in the scene. Consent is key. Keep that in mind as any and all of the following instructions are based on the premise and assumption that full consent has been acquired for any and all activities outlined herein.

Timing

If you are planning to set up some BDSM action for Valentine’s Day, you might be tempted to surprise your partner with a scene that night. 

While you can set up a scene as a surprise for your partner as far as timing, you must get consent to this timing ahead of time. For example, you must negotiate boundaries beforehand (see Step 1 below) and give a head’s up and get consent that you can, in fact, surprise your partner as to the timing. You should never surprise your partner with things they never consented to prior to the scene. Or surprise them by springing a scene on them when they had no prior knowledge or consent to the timing.

A quick note on the element of surprise and mystery. Some peeps who are not experienced in BDSM think that all this talking about sex and preferences and desires and plans ahead of time takes the “mystery” out of it. Au contraire! In fact, all that juicy talk can get you super turned on and excited! In addition, there is no way you could discuss every single thought or desire or whim in your head, so there is plenty of mystery within the confines of a planned and negotiated scene. In addition, for safety you must have these boundaries communicated prior to play and in very clear and specific terms.

Steps to planning and executing a hot, steamy Valentine’s Day BDSM scene

The following steps will be helpful for anyone wanting to set up a scene with a partner (or partners), but keep in mind that the dominant (“dom”) is the leader, so most of the steps will be performed by the dominant, especially the planning. The submissive’s (“sub”) role is to follow, but also participate in the planning as far as setting boundaries and communicating desires.

Step 1 – Talk! In the days before Valentine’s Day, you should discuss what type of BDSM scene you would like to do and what activities are desired. An easy opening to this discussion is to take this questionnaire, fill it out separately, and then come together and discuss your answers. Discuss what you want, what you might be curious to try, and what you have no interest or have a big “no” to. This is where you negotiate boundaries. The sub must establish hard and soft limits. This is an organic process. Use the questionnaire to guide you and have a specific conversation about top turn on’s and no no’s. For example, you both might like some choking, spanking, or a little bit of resistance play or consensual non-consent. Make sure you negotiate expectations and levels of intensity around each activity and use safety precautions.

If you haven’t yet determined which of you is the dom and which is the sub, you can take this online quiz and discuss the results. This is the time to establish names/titles/roles if you don’t have them already. For example, if you are the dom, you might prefer “Master,” “Sir” or “Daddy” or “Mistress,” “Mommy,” or “Goddess,” for example. 

Once you find common ground, the dominant can plan the scene and think about what is needed to prepare by moving on to Step 2.

Step 2 – Dominant: Start mentally planning the scene by selecting the timing, the place, and the top three to five sexual (or other) activities as priorities (make sure these are priorities for your sub). For example, anal play, oral, and spanking might be top priorities for both of you. Keep these in mind for the scene. You don’t want to (although you can) plan every single action in a scene:  it might be too formal for a first time, for one thing. Also, it puts a lot of pressure on you to “memorize” all your moves. You want it to flow organically and in the moment. I liken it to “improv.” You have the basic construct (roles defined, boundaries set, top 5 activities chosen) and within that construct, you improv the scene.

Dominant: Now that you know your main activities during the scene, make sure you order any props and implements or sex toys you need. Here is a link to a Valentine’s sale that will give you lots of options.

Submissive: This is a time for you to fully enjoy your role and mentally prepare for the scene. You also will want to plan your attire. Pick out some new lingerie specifically for this scene, or maybe ask your dominant what they want you to wear.

Step 3 – Prior to Valentine’s Day, slip into your dom/sub role play by doing some dirty talk/sexting. Dominant: start with some light instructions like asking for particular sexy pictures or having your sub play with themselves, maybe even with a vibrator or other toy. If you are both into anal, this is a good time to ask them to put in a plug as a way to train prior to the scene. Teasing and playfulness is fun here. This is what will spark the sense of suspense and build up to the big day!

Step 4 – Dominant:  Gather your scene toys, props, and implements. Check out Emily’s tips on V Day done right for gift ideas, as well as this article for creating your own sex dungeon, and this one for dungeon kit essentials. If you have a massage table (highly recommended), make sure you know how to set it up and where you will place it for the scene. If you haven’t already, make sure to establish safe words/signals. I prefer “red” for a safe word. A safe signal is one that you can employ that doesn’t require you to formulate words (ie, if you are gagged). Tapping a leg and/or three grunts in a row are examples. 

Step 5 – Dominant: The day before and/or the day of the scene, you will want to text your main instructions to your sub. This not only gets them into sub “head space” (not to be confused with “sub space”). Set up the suspense by offering a few details about what you will do in the scene but reserve some parts for suspense. For example, you can text/tell your sub what you want them to wear and when you want them to arrive/be ready for the scene. For examples of how to text instructions to your sub, check out this book of real BDSM scenes.

Step 6 – Dominant: Execute the scene. This could be on Valentine’s day or evening if you want. So, for example, you could get dinner reservations ahead of time for 7 p.m. and plan the scene for after dinner. Or you could do the opposite and play during the day or early evening and celebrate with a nice dinner date afterwards (my preference since I like to relax after a scene and also I don’t like a full stomach when I play). This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday, so you could also go to dinner Friday evening and plan to have the scene the next day (Saturday, February 15th).

Dominant: Execute the plans you had already made in your head. Make sure you have all your implements and toys set out ahead of time so you can stay in the moment.
Submissive: Your job is to follow the dominant’s lead and to use the safe word/signal. If you prefer to be bratty (and your dominant knows this), go for it! Enjoy the ride as if you were floating down a river. Check in with your feelings and maintain your boundaries by using the safe word and communicating with your dom.

Step 7 – Dominant: Give some aftercare. Aftercare is the post-scene, post-sex period where you build the sub back up, give them verbal and physical reassurance, cuddle, snuggle, attend to any potential bruising from impact play (ie, with some ice and arnica), and generally take care of the sub’s emotional and physical needs. This is also the time to debrief about the scene. As a dominant, you should ask “What did you like best?” and “What did you not like as much?” This way, you can get information on what you can do next time.

Submissive: Communicate your feelings and needs. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in aftercare.

So there you have it! Follow these tips to have some steamy BDSM success on Valentine’s Day! Don’t forget to celebrate your kinky “win” with some yummy chocolate. Enjoy! 

Build Your Own Sex Dungeon

Did you know you can wow your partner/partners in a sex dungeon built for tons-o-fun, suspense and excitement without having to leave the comforts of your own home!

Because this article is focused on creating a “dungeon”, most of the advice will be centered around BDSM – but feel free to make these ideas “your own” whether you want more straight up sex play or not.

And always remember these ideas are built on fully informed consent, which is a cornerstone of healthy BDSM play.

Where to begin…

Your home “sex dungeon” doesn’t have to be the “red room of pain” from the 50 Shades movies. It can be as elaborate or as simple as you want (or as your budget and timeline allows). For example, you could decide to simply have a “sex room” or designate just a corner of a room for your kinky play toys.

However high you aim, you can set an intention for the space and how you want to use it. You will first want to decide what activities you would like to do. Start with what you are already into—and then decide on what activities you might want to try in the space. Once you decide those things, you can start designing the space to facilitate those activities. If you have enough geographic space, you can leave room for future “build-out” of new activities, kinks, or sexual pleasures you might be attracted to in the future. This is the equivalent of “creating space” – both energetically and physically--for your sex life.

Things you need to consider for creating the perfect kinky/BDSM space: 

• Dimensions of the space

• Mood/color pallet/lighting

• Walls

• Floor

• Door/entrance

• Bed

• Storage

• Privacy

• Group play

Set the mood 

Setting the mood is key for creating the right BDSM space. So many things go into “mood” or “atmosphere.” Choosing the right lighting options can make or break the atmosphere you are trying to create. BDSM often incorporates a sense of drama and gravity. For example, if you are a dominant and want to get your bratty submissive into the right frame of mind that you are serious about your commands, you don’t want to have bright lights and pastel-colored pillows everywhere. There is a reason BDSM colors tend to be in the black-red-grey area- they connote a sense of dark drama and suspense. (Of course, you can tailor the mood/colors to any type of kink so don’t feel wedded to dark colors…just a consideration.)

Rethinking the bedroom

Contrary to common belief – you don’t need a bed to have a dungeon! In fact a lot of dungeons do not have a bed in them. So, if you feel your bedroom is not ideal for a sex dungeon, don’t panic! You can use another room or space to create a dungeon. Some people like to have them in a basement or attic- somewhere that isn’t your normal “living” space. In any event, you should think about the dimensions of your available space so that you can plan accordingly, especially if you are considering group play (meaning playing with more than one partner in the space).

You want to consider the level of privacy you need. You don’t want to be having a regular party with your friends and family and have Aunt Bessie accidentally stumble on your kinky dungeon on the way to the bathroom. Consider what kind of doorway you want, including what it looks like on the outside. Locking the door is another way to maintain your privacy. Sex isn’t something that should carry shame – but there is nothing wrong with keeping your sex life private. 

Similarly, if there are windows in the room that people can see into, you might want to consider blacking them out. This helps with mood and privacy. Some people even sound-proof their sex room or dungeon so that their play can be as loud as they want.

Ideas for products to help you build the perfect sex space

Regardless of whether you are into BDSM or kink, there are so many options out there for products that can help you design the perfect space for awesome sexy time. 

If you are a relatively new dominant, you might want to check out this article for suggestions on how to set up the basics of your “red room of pain” so that you can get the most out of your d/s sessions. 

Top ideas for sex dungeon toys, accessories, and furniture are as follows:

Sex Swing. A sex swing is such a great addition to a dungeon. You can grab this affordable one from Sportsheets for around $73. What is great is that you don’t have to fasten it to the ceiling with a large screw. It is built to fit on a door jam and is versatile enough to accommodate several different positions. Swing it, baby!

Blackout mask. If you are not able to fully black out your windows, a blackout mask is a great way to create atmosphere and suspense. Here is a great one you can buy and keep hanging on your dungeon wall.

Cuffs. A dungeon just wouldn’t be complete without having a set of handcuffs on hand to restrain your partner. If you have a bed, you can keep them near it. Or, use this one designed to place your partner’s wrists above their head. Better yet – if you are doing some bed play or even floor play, these suction cuffs are an awesome option for restraint.

Collar and leash. Your bottom/submissive might like to be led around by the collar in a session. In that case, you can install a hook on the wall and hang a collar and leash to use in your dungeon.

Spanking paddle. Implements for pain play (ie, impact play) can be a big part of your dungeon play. There are so many to choose from, from whips to floggers to canes. I like to tell people to start with a basic: the paddle. They aren’t too expensive and are a good place to start – as well as a “mainstay” of spanking if you want to more than just bare-handed spanking. 

Storage. We usually get caught up in all the fun sex toys and implements we can buy and use in our dungeons. But we forget that they need someplace to live when we aren’t playing. Choosing the right storage can help you plan your BDSM sessions and organize your toys. One way to organize and store your implements when not using them is to install hooks on the walls of your dungeon. This not only helps keep you organized, but having them out on display can set the psychological tone you may want for your submissive. Bonus tip: strap-ons are better stored on hooks rather than jumbled up in a drawer.

Advanced tip: Massage table. Having a collapsible massage table is a great way to set up a perfect BDSM session. A massage table can be more versatile than a bed, allowing more circumference for a top/dominant to position around a bottom/submissive. In addition, it is much easier to fasten restraints to than a bed.

Don’t forget to incorporate safety into your dungeon

Often people get all caught up in the excitement of creating a dungeon that they don’t consider safety elements that should be incorporated into the design and planning. If you are using restraints, doing pain play/impact play, or any other potentially physically and emotionally risky activities (ie, sadism, humiliation, consensual non-consent, etc), you need to consider safer alternatives and contingency plans. For example, if you are planning on a lot of impact play, you might want to have a cooler handy with ice, or have ice packs stored in your storage area/container. You also want to consider what items are necessary to help with aftercare, such as soft blankets and pillows to cuddle your submissive or partner. Think of anything you have used in the past or need to soothe your partner if you are a top/dominant and especially if you partake in intense play.

In addition, don't forget lube and other comfort accessories.

The Cuckold Blog: Do you have a cuckold fantasy? (Wanna get cucked?)

Ahhh….getting “cucked.”  A favorite derogatory term for some; a sexy, fun, and perhaps even loving label for others. To some, a “cuck” (or to be “cucked”) means someone who is being cheated on and feels humiliation, pain and jealousy – and is perceived to have been made to feel inadequate. To others, especially in the kink or fetish scene, to be cucked can mean many things, most of them sexually exciting. In any case, cuckoldry is a major fetish. More on that later.

First, let’s define “cuckoldry” for the purposes of this cuckold blog, shall we? (or as some people misspell it when googling “what is cuckholding”). 

Cuckoldry (or “cuckholdry” lol) is a fetish garnering a lot of interest the last few years – so much so that I am usually shocked when I learn someone has never heard the term. (It is even in the name of a recent political movie, Cuck.) For the purposes of this cuckold blog, “cuckoldry” is simply the practice of being cuckolded or cuckolding someone, which in turn revolves around the definition of a “cuckold.”  As defined by Wikipedia, a cuckold is “the husband of an adulterous wife.” The term “derives from the cuckoo bird, alluding to its habit of laying its eggs in other birds' nests.” But Wikipedia’s definition is more historical, not fetish-based.  Urban dictionary answers “what is cuckholding?” in kink terms:

A man who willingly encourages his wife to sleep with other people because it brings him pleasure. Cuckolds exist on a spectrum between two extremes. One on end is the masochistic cuckold who enjoys humiliations, degradation, and other demeaning activities at the hands of his wife and her lover. The alpha cuckold lies at the opposite end of the spectrum and does not enjoy any form of humiliation and often has a direct say in who his wife sleeps with and when.

Now, in my experience, I take issue with this definition in two respects: 

1. It is not gender inclusive and 

2. lumping the “alpha cuckold” with cuckoldry is problematic. 

Although alpha cuckolds could be seen as a sub-set of cuckolds, I personally consider someone who does not enjoy humiliation from his/her/their spouse or partner more in the “hotwife” (“hotwifing”) category. But, this is splitting hairs, and for the purposes of this cuckold blog, I will be using hetero-normative language (so please pardon me on that as this tends to be a specific fetish) and I will keep the alpha cuck inside cuckoldry.

If cuckoldry interests you or you have a cuckold fantasy…

Apparently, a huge search term in porn relates to cuckoldry. Thus, if you are into porn, you may have noticed a lot of videos relating to cuckholdry even if you didn’t know it. For example, you could have done a search for something related to watching group sex and bumped into some scenarios that brought cuckoldry to your attention.

Being cucked has been portrayed in mainstream film and TV. For instance, on The Girlfriend Experience (Showtime), there is a scene where a sex worker enacts an elaborate scene with her client in which she hires another male escort to cuckold the client. The client is made to watch his “girlfriend” have sex with the male escort. She professes her love for the male escort in front of her client. The client got the sexual excitement and release he seeks – it is clear his jealousy is part of the turn on. He got cucked.

Cuckoldry as a fetish generally falls into three categories of what attracts people (ie, what benefit/sexual pleasure they get from it): 

• Voyeurism

• Exhibitionism

• BDSM/power play

In other words, the draw of cucking someone could be the power play (ie, dominating your partner by having sex with someone else and using humiliation), or it could simply be exhibitionism (enjoying someone watching you be sexual). A cuck could be a voyer, someone who loves to watch others have sex, namely, your partner with other people.

So, if any of those three areas are of interest to you, you might be interested in different forms of cuckoldry.

How to get into cuckoldry (and how to get cucked)

If you have a partner and know you have an interest in either being cuckolded or in cuckolding someone else (ie, your partner), then you can have an honest conversation with your partner about it. The best way to communicate about it with your partner is to explain what attracts you about cuckoldry. You might talk about a scenario and describe either the voyer, exhibitionist, or power exchange/BDSM aspects you are attracted to, if any. Ask your partner if they are curious or interested in any aspect of the cuck scenario. 

Consent is the cornerstone of every kink and fetish (indeed any healthy sex), so you want to make sure that any participation in cuckoldry is consensual and built on full disclosure (fully informed consent). I cover these issues in my class on cuckoldry.

Contrary to some beliefs out there, cuckoldry is not cheating – all activities are consensual and for the benefit of each person involved – the cuckoldress, the cuck and the “bull.”  A “bull” is sometimes referred to the person (typically male) who comes in to help the wife (the cuckoldress) cuckold the husband (the cuck). If you are a bull, you can find plenty of couples who want your help with this fantasy. I find that usually being a bull amongst the swinger crowd (ie, swinger parties) is what gets your “foot in the door” so to speak. If you are good at it, pretty soon you will get referrals to other couples.

(Just remember to play safely. Here is a same-day scheduling STD testing resource.)

When you discuss what you like about cuckholdry, also consider whether the following often-cited reasons for the kink turn you on: jealousy, competition (ie, you want to biologically beat another man’s sperm to fertilization), or the taboo of “adultery.”

I remember when I first discovered cuckoldry. It was before I knew I was kinky and it was really confusing. Now I realize that, unless you have been confronted with it, it might seem contradictory and confusing. For example, I was out on a date with a guy and we were really hitting it off, even some PDA. When I told him I was going to go to the ladies room at the bar we were in, he whispered in my ear “Why don’t you flirt with the dudes who are standing in line at the bathroom?” Surprised at his question, I figured he was joking. Later, when I came back he wanted to know if I gave anyone my number. Now that I understand the fetish better, I realize in hindsight that, instead of “forsaking me” as if he did not care about me, he was trying to bond with me sexually by watching me be admired by other men. I have since dipped my toe into cuckoldry with other partners, and have enjoyed both watching and being watched.

If you are worried about real-life jealousy that could harm your relationship, you might want to simply start off with discussing the fetish and perhaps telling stories. The next level up would be to maybe watch cuckolding porn together or have sex with your partner after telling a story about sex with other partners. If those activities make you feel more confident, then you can consider moving to finding a bull. Just remember that there is a risk in every sexual encounter and especially when long-term committed relationships are at stake. Those relationships tend to have expectations. People who are polyamorous might be more adept at navigating jealousy, but monogamous couples could potentially struggle more if jealousy becomes an issue – not just a turn on. 

Finally, just because you consented to your partner’s cuckoldry does not mean you have to “stick to the plan” and follow through. I have seen spouses have reservations but not want to share them with their partners because they did not want to ruin their pleasure. But that is a recipe for disaster. You must keep checking in with your own inner compass – your own feelings. If at any time, the cuckoldry becomes too problematic, just stop and inform your partner.

Another good idea is to incorporate some aftercare, especially if you used humiliation in the fetish – ie, humiliated your partner via the sex you had with another person.  “Aftercare is the process of soothing, nurturing, and loving your partner after an intimate session.” Part of aftercare in cuckoldry would be verbal affirmations that restore your partner’s faith in your real-life bond and demonstrate that this cuckold scenario was solely for the bedroom.

If you want to learn more about cuckoldry, check out my class all about it! 

And there you have it! Cuckoldry can provide some steamy sex in your love life, bond you to your partner, and give you the giggles at work just thinking about it!

Leather & Latex Fetishes

I have a friend who loves latex:  he is constantly sending me images of women in smooth, tight latex outfits. As much as I love the energy behind his desires, it isn’t really my top kink. Nevertheless, it’s just friggin fun to play with leather and latex! And the images are sexy and inspiring. Among fetishes or kinks, leather and latex fetishes are popular and tend to have a broad appeal, crossing and combining often with other fetishes.

What is a leather fetish? Or a latex fetish?

Generally speaking, a leather or latex fetish is an attraction to people wearing this type of clothing or a fetish for the material itself.  

In addition to “fetish fashion”, a leather fetish can include anything using leather, including bondage, whips, floggers and other BDSM implements. The fetish can sometimes be combined with BDSM or other kinks and stem from a desire to control an appearance and/or movement (in the case of latex, sometimes the attraction is the tightness and restriction it places on the wearer). My friend (who is a dominant) enjoys both the sexy aesthetic of latex, as well as the constriction it places on his submissives.

How do people participate in this leather/latex fetish?

According to Kinkly, leather is among the top five fetishes. People get their leather on by wearing it, finding toys that are made of it, and also using it in their sex play. For example, you might have a strong attraction to leather chaps. Or, the sight of a curvy body wearing a leather bodice could turn you on. Similarly, many options for bondage include leather products. Leather belts, leather straps and other pain play implements are popular as well. Often, the smell and feel of leather is a huge draw and helps put the wearer and/or the observer in a sexy state.

With latex, you can enjoy the look of latex, the feel of it, or both, and with or without a partner. “The term ‘Rubberist’ can actually apply to anyone who enjoys rubber or latex, whether that’s dressing up in it, or feeling another encased in an outfit as a ‘rubber partner’.”

Latex can “intensify touch,” so can be useful and a way to not only spice up your bedroom play but also help you explore your body sensations.

Also with latex, there are some pitfalls to avoid. Latex really grabs the skin, so putting on latex is a learned skill. In addition, some people have latex allergies, so you should watch out for that.

How to determine if you are into leather/latex

As with any kink or fetish, dipping your toe into it first by just being curious is the way to go. For example, if you find yourself drawn to BDSM porn or images you might want to pay attention to whether leather plays a role in your attraction. Similarly, if you are drawn to images of latex, try going to a sex store and just browse and touch the latex outfits to see if they excite you. If you want your partner to try on some leather or latex as part of your bedroom play, make sure you check in with them and ask them if they are interested and tell them why you have an interest. If they aren’t used to hard core kink play, don’t just blurt out your most intense fantasies or show them hard core images – it could back fire and scare them or turn them off. You could start with taking them shopping and/or going to a leather store and feeling different types of leather. (If you are opposed to leather, there are also faux leather options.) If you want to combine leather with a gift of lingerie, that is another way to incorporate it in your play partner’s fantasies.

If you want to search for others who have an interest in leather/latex or have these fetishes, you can try online sites like Fetlife. There are usually communities on there designated by kinks or fetishes.

As always, communicate your desires openly and with tact. You never know – you could be talking to your “latex soulmate”!

Sex Toy Spring Cleaning

The birds are chirping. The sun is warmer. So, it is time to do some spring cleaning. You know – that tradition of cleaning your home from top to bottom, even under the sofa cushions. 

But don’t forget that sex drawer! Yes- sex toys need some spring cleaning, too. Many of us don’t realize that we have to clean our toys regularly, not just after use. We also may not realize that it might be time to refresh our collection. 

Here are some tips on how to clean your sex toys, as well as a little "out with the old, in with the new."

Purge first!

Before you start cleaning, you might want to “take stock” of what you got. In true Mari Kondo fashion, consider picking up each toy/device/implement and ask yourself “does this bring me joy”? If you live with a partner or co-own the toy, make sure you do this process with them, as well. What a sexy spin on cleaning day!

If you haven’t used a toy in a while (or ever), ask yourself “why not?” Take it for a spin and really decide if it is something you want to keep in your sexy arsenal.

Sometimes we rely on the “old standards” to get us off and we ignore other possibilities of pleasure. If you invested money in a toy but haven’t used it yet, don’t fret. If it is a toy that can be used solo, set aside some time for self-pleasure and explore its possibilities. If it doesn’t float your boat, consider letting it go. (I suggest looking into sex toy recycling options – sometimes your local sex toy shop has a program.) You can look at this process like going sex toy shopping in your own home (which is fun since you can’t go shopping IRL right now, unless it is online).

Once you let the old go, it is time to clean!

Sex toy cleaning basics

How you wash your sex toys depends in large part on what they are made out of. If your toy is a vibrator, you have to consider whether it can be submerged due to electronic parts and power sources. Don’t dunk a toy in water if it has electronics! If you still have the box, check out the instructions on how to clean it. If you threw out the box, use the following guidelines.

My go-to sex toy expert is Javay da Bae. Check out her instructional video on sex toy cleaning for some top tips! Some of her top recommendations and tips are:

• Proper washing will extend the life span of your toys! Yay!

• Trying to figure out what soap to use to clean your toys? Take the guesswork out and consider using toy cleaner. (Both Javay and I prefer a foam-style cleaner, as the foam doesn’t run all over the place like regular liquid soap.)

• For silicone, glass, or stainless steel toys, you have the option of boiling them

• After cleaning your toys, let them air dry and keep them at room temperature

You also want to consider whether the toy is an “inny or an outy” – meaning is this toy going inside the body? For example, the anus or vagina or mouth? If so, you really need to be careful to properly clean the crevices and nooks and crannies that can house bacteria.

Check out this article on choosing a toy cleaner.

Once you have your toys cleaned, consider organizing them by activity and times of use. For example, if you use a toy drawer, or chest, consider putting the faves on top for easier access. Make sure wherever you store your toys, it is not damp or around any potential sources of dust. You can also use ziplock bags to individually house your toys and/or clean socks to cover your dildos!

Replenish your stock!

Now the fun starts! Once you did your due diligence and spring cleaned your toy box, it is time to celebrate by going shopping! Reward yourself with a new toy that lights up your libido.

The options abound these days. Want some magical clit stimulation? Try the Womanizer or check out the Lioness Vibrator.

Looking for some anal pleasure? Shop some fun prostate toys.

Want to work on your pelvic floor for better health and orgasms? Try the Yarlap.

And don’t forget to try some love oil.

Hop online and start shopping. It is a fun activity to do with a partner, as well. Try to imagine all the fun you will have. Consider BDSM implements or other things you might want to buy for fun role play scenarios. The sky is the limit! 

Spring is a time for renewal. If you are in quarantine, your toy collection can be a savior and help you keep your erotic exploration going with or without a partner at hand. Keeping your toys clean extends their life and makes your sexy time safe and fun!

How AI-Powered Prompts Can Help You Become a Better Dominant (Get our BONUS AI class)

(by head coach, Emily Anne)

In a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, communication is the cornerstone of understanding and fulfilling each partner's desires and needs. Dominants play a pivotal role in guiding their submissives, but effective command and communication are key to a healthy and consensual D/s dynamic. Advances in artificial intelligence (AI) now offer Dominants a unique tool to enhance their leadership skills within the D/s relationship. In this blog post, we will explore how AI can assist Dominants in creating better commands.

The Foundation of a D/s Relationship:

A D/s relationship is built upon trust, consent, and open communication. Dominants are responsible for providing guidance and structure while respecting the boundaries and well-being of their submissives. A major part of that guidance is via directives or commands. A dominant must lead the submissive where they desire them to go (and consensually).

Some dominants struggle with giving verbal commands, especially if they are new.

Learning how to give good commands is a skill, and one that can be taught.

The Art of Command:

Dominance in a D/s relationship involves more than just issuing orders; it requires effective and respectful command. Proper commands help establish the framework for the relationship, foster trust, and ensure the well-being of both partners.

The best way to learn how to give good commands - that will be followed and that will further bond your sub to you - is to practice speaking aloud what you want in a “vanilla” setting, such as “get Daddy his milkshake,” etc. If you want to learn how to give verbal and text commands that really work, check out our masterclass called The Art of Command. And for a special time, we will give you a BONUS 2 hour class: How to use AI to become a better dominant. Just purchase Art of Command and you will receive an email with a link to the bonus class.

AI-Powered Prompts and Dominance:

AI, with its natural language processing capabilities, can provide Dominants with a powerful tool to craft better commands that respect the principles of consent and communication.

How AI Can Aid Dominants:

a. Personalized Commands: AI can analyze the specific dynamics and preferences within the D/s relationship and generate personalized prompts. These commands can align with the submissive's needs and Dominant's desires.

b. Confidence Boost: By assisting Dominants in creating well-structured commands, AI can help boost their self-confidence in leading the relationship effectively.

c. Ongoing Practice: Dominance is a skill that improves with practice. Practicing better and better prompts on a chat bot like chat.gpt allows allows a Dominant to refine their command style over time.

Practical Applications:

• AI-powered prompts can be valuable in various non-sexual aspects of a D/s relationship, such as:

  • Setting rules and expectations for the submissive

  • Implementing routines and tasks

  • Handling disagreements or conflicts in a respectful manner

  • Expressing care and providing emotional support

Conclusion:

Effective command and communication are the cornerstones of a healthy D/s relationship. AI-powered prompts offer a unique tool for Dominants to enhance their skills in guiding and leading their submissives within the bounds of trust and consent. As AI technology continues to advance, it will play an increasingly significant role in improving communication and leadership within D/s relationships. Embracing the potential of AI to assist in crafting better commands can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious D/s dynamic.

So, why not harness the power of AI to refine your dominance and communication skills within your relationship? Take our Art of Command class now, get the bonus class on AI, and learn more!

Bring Out Your Femme Domme

(by head coach, Emily Anne)

Everyone has inside them different qualities and energies. For example, everyone has masculine energy and feminine energy. These are not gender-related but energetic. The point is, there are many sides to you.

Most women/femmes/non-binary folks who come to me for coaching have some hangups around stepping into a power role in the bedroom. As I teach my Femme Domme students - there may be several reasons for this hesitation. Identifying those blocks (whether small or large) is the first step to truly allowing your inner Femdom to shine.

Your own personal Femme Domme is an energy that comes from within you. You could be a dominatrix, a sadistic domme, a gentle loving dom, a teacher domme, a fairy domme, a Mommy domme (like me), or any type of domme that we can imagine. The important thing is to be authentically YOU. Stepping into your femdom power can change your life, not just your sex life.

If you have ever wanted to step more into your own femdom energy, you can check out my Femme Domme masterclass.

What students are saying about the course:

Emily's FemDomme workshop…went beyond my wildest expectations and helped me grow into the person I am today! By stepping more into my Domme side, I was actually able to take up space in dating and manifested the partner of my dreams! For the first time in my life, have been able to have a BDSM-minded relationship with another Switch! Without this FemDomme class, I believe I wouldn't have been able to harness the mindsets and boundaries needed to cultivate and show up for the relationship and partner of my dreams! Emily is an amazing facilitator of space and the group! She is able to hold us in such beautiful and vulnerable space and teaching us how our dominant side is our birthright and is actually sacred.

- The Queen C (she/her/they)

I'm a very submissive person but I could tell my husband sometimes wanted me to take charge in the bedroom. This course showed me how to feel and express a sexy dominance without feeling fake or inauthentic. We can’t keep our hands off each other!

- Rebecca (she/her)